Rigid Role Relations

Over time, one of the major relational themes that partners address is domi­nance. Partners must distribute power within the relationship. Each must de­cide whether he or she feels more comfortable playing a dominant part, or one-up role, or a more submissive part, or one-down role. Although some couples share power equally, relationships often fall into one of two patterns: comple­mentary or symmetrical.

In a complementary pattern, one partner takes the one-up position and the other, the one-down. Parents and their young children generally have a complementary relationship. The parent controls the child, making most of the decisions and exerting most of the influence.

This division of relational labor has an advantage: decisions can be made rapidly and easily. Problems occur, however, when people become trapped by rigid complementarity. When the submissive partner begins to resent always giving in or when the dominant partner begins to tire of being in charge, dissat­isfaction can result.

The second common pattern is the symmetrical pattern. In competitive symmetry, both members fight for the one-up position. Although there are times (for example, when two athletes train together) when competition can encourage both members to do their best, in typical relationships this pattern can be stressful and frustrating and can take its toll on the patience of the part­ners. In submissive symmetry, both parties struggle to relinquish control. If you and a friend have ever spent all night deciding where to eat (“I don’t care, you decide.” “No, anything’s okay with me; you decide”), you have experienced the problems associated with submissive symmetry. This is an especially inter­esting pattern, because it is paradoxical. Although both partners ostensibly avoid control, each does his or her best to control the other by forcing the other to make the decision.

Complementary or symmetrical patterns can occasionally be satisfying, but they can also take over a relationship and limit partners’ options. Partners can feel trapped by a pattern they hardly realize they have created. Learning how to share the one-up and one-down positions gives a couple the flexibility they need to adapt to changing circumstances.