Paradoxes

Couples sometimes fall into the habit of sending one another contradictory messages. These kinds of double messages are called paradoxes. We have seen two paradoxical patterns already: submissive symmetry and incongruous re­sponses. We can be paradoxical in other ways as well; for example, we may make statements such as “I know you’ll do well, but don’t worry if you fail” or “I don’t mind if you go camping this weekend; it doesn’t matter if I’m lonely and miserable.” These kinds of responses are confusing and annoying, and they place the receiver in an awkward position.

Another, and a potentially more serious, form of paradox is the double bind. A double bind is a particularly strong and enduring paradoxical commu­nication wherein the receiver is simultaneously given two opposing messages but is prohibited from resolving them. When a parent says to a child, “Come give me a hug, but recoils in disgust when the child approaches, the parent is delivering a double message. The child is being told to touch and not to touch at the same time. The child has no way to do the right thing. If the child obeys the verbal injunction and approaches the parent, the latter’s obvious disgust places the child in the wrong. If, on the other hand, the child decides to stay away, he or she has disobeyed the parent and is likely to be accused of being unloving. Over a long period of time, double binds can damage a partner’s sense of rationality and self-esteem.