Chapter 7: Have you ever been so afraid you wished you were dead?

I couldn’t breathe. I was vaguely aware of the rapid rise and fall of my chest, but I simply couldn’t feel the oxygen flooding my lungs. The fingers on my left hand were curled tightly around the metal frame of the bed; so tight my fingertips were threatening to dent the cold, hard surface. I clutched desperately at my chest with my right hand as though it would help me to inhale.

The portly, female nurse took another hesitant step backwards, glancing anxiously between myself and Ben. The technicoloured tourniquet hung loosely in her hand. Over my loud gasping I heard her say, “Should I administer a sedative?”

A sedative? No fucking way!

She turned and rummaged around in a draw and extracted a syringe. I was watching her thoroughly horrified as she pulled the plastic cap off the needle end. She then dared to take a step in my direction which consequently increased the severity of my anxiety attack ten-fold.

“Don’t touch me!” I managed to spit out. My sweaty left hand couldn’t keep a grip on the metal any longer so I let go of the bed and found myself waggling my finger at the nurse, trying in vain to stop her from coming any closer. I don’t know why I thought that waggling my finger would make a difference, but I wasn’t exactly thinking very rationally at that precise moment. I could feel my heart thumping loudly and painfully in my chest and was surprised it hadn’t exploded yet. The nausea kept washing over me in erratic waves and I was physically trembling.

“Stop!” I gasped and sucked in a mouthful of air. I clenched my eyes shut as the room spun around me, despite the fact I was lying horizontal and not moving. “Oh, God.”

Gerard. Get. Yourself. Under. Control.

I seriously felt like I was about to die, or at least pass out. A second before I was about to resign myself to my black fate I felt something woolly and warm enclose itself around my left hand. The first thought that sprung into my brain was that a teddy bear had wrapped itself around my hand.

Yes, obviously I was not thinking very rationally at that exact moment.

Startled, I forced my eyes open and was ashamed to admit for a split-second I was still expecting to see a teddy bear. However, what I actually saw was so much better.

Frank was standing by my side holding my hand with both of his. He smiled reassuringly at me. “Calm down, Gerard. Don’t think about it. Just think about breathing. In, and out. Good! ” He was breathing steadily for me and I found myself mimicking him.

In and out. In and out.

I felt my heart rate start to steadily make its way down and return to a normal resting rate. Once the oxygen was flowing freely to my brain again I noticed that Frank was wearing gloves. That’s why I felt something warm and woolly around my hand. He was wearing the dark blue pair Ray had given him yesterday. Ray had randomly approached us and announced that God had told him to give them to Frank because apparently Frank would be needing them in the near future.

Frank had accepted them very graciously and thanked Ray sincerely. I just shook my head and rolled my eyes, as I always did when Ray relayed one of his ‘messages’. Because, come on, it’s bullshit.

Once I had completely calmed down the nurse stood by my side. “Shall we try again?” she asked, pushing the sleeve of my hoodie up.

“No!” I exclaimed wrenching my arm from her grasp and cradling it to my chest.

Oh had I mentioned I hadn’t actually had the fucking blood test yet?

“Gerard,” Ben scolded and I glowered at him.

“Gerard,” Frank said softly. His voice drew my attention immediately and I looked up at him. “It doesn’t hurt, you know,” he said earnestly.

“I-I-Yes! I know!” I said defensively. “It’s just I don’t like needles.”

Needles are my biggest fear in the whole world. Well, technically, my second biggest fear if you count discovery by Them as being my first. So, I can only imagine how I’d react if They found me and attacked me with needles. I can’t stand the thought of the metal tip being forced through my flesh. Just the thought of the slight indentation they make before they pierce the skin makes me nauseous. Then, oh god, the way it’s pushed through layer after layer of tissue before it reaches the muscle….

“It’s okay, hun, I just need to find a vein first.” My daytime nightmare was mercifully interrupted by the nurse gently tugging on my right arm.

I reluctantly relinquished my arm and let her push the sleeve up. I watched her extremely closely, fully prepared to rip my arm away if she produced a needle. She clipped the tourniquet around my bicep, which I regretfully noticed was looking pretty small, and tightened it. She started pressing gently in the crook of my elbow with her fingers. I knew she was wasting her time feeling for a vein in my right arm. There aren’t any veins running along that particular spot, I knew. Well, there is one, but it’s quite small and deep so there was NO FUCKING WAY I was going to let her go digging around in my flesh trying to get it to bleed. I repeat: NO FUCKING WAY!

Sure enough, a moment later she unclipped the tourniquet and moved around to the other side of the bed to search in my left arm. She shooed Frank out of the way and took my shaking hand from his comforting grasp. It was at that moment, when he let go of my hand, I felt like my lifeline had been cut. I suddenly felt like an astronaut whose cable connecting them to their ship had been severed and they were slowly drifting away, alone and frightened, into the vast emptiness. I was an astronaut and Frank was my cable. I was about to shut my eyes and let myself drift into the emptiness that was my mind when that teddy bear took a hold of my right hand.

“I don’t want to be an astronaut,” I blurted out and frantically clutched at Frank’s hand.

“What?” Frank’s brow creased and he leant in slightly as though he had misheard me.

I shook my head, embarrassed, and muttered, “Don’t worry, it’s stupid.”

Frank squeezed my hand comfortingly. “I’m sure it wasn’t that stupid,” he murmured softly.

I don’t know if you’ve ever noticed but when you go to say a word starting with the prefix ‘th’, like “that”, or “Thursday”, your tongue pokes out forward between your teeth a little. I noticed little things like that. In particular, I noticed how endearing it was to see Frank’s little tongue flick whenever he said a word beginning with the prefix ‘th’. Okay, yes, it is a little creepy that I have a habit of staring at Frank’s tragic lips, but really there is nothing that wrong with it.

“Ahhh,” the nurse’s soft cry diverted my attention from Frank’s perfect lips to my arm. “There’s a nice, juicy vein in this arm,” she informed me.

I wished she wouldn’t talk about my veins as though they were worms. I’m already freaked out enough as it is. Now I have a very vivid mental image of giant, plump, blue worms being pierced and punctured with huge metal-tipped spears. I can even see the copious amounts of blood spurt out all over the grass as the spears begin to penetrate the worm’s skin. Fuck, that’s gross.

The nurse loosened the tourniquet, stepped away from my side and collected several packets from the locked drawer in the cabinet Ben was leaning against. She placed them down on the table next to the bed and began to open them. My heart rate began to steadily climb again as she opened the sterile packaging containing the needle.

“Gerard.” I ignored Frank and just stared at the huge needle in her hand.

“Gerard?” I bit my lip as it had begun to tremble slightly as the nurse snapped the glove on.

“Gerard.” I winced as the nurse ripped open an alcohol swab and wiped the crook of my elbow. She tossed the used swab in the bin and picked up the needle.

“Can you swab my arm again,” I asked quickly and she glanced up at me, surprised.

“Of course,” she said slowly and ripped open another sterile packet and disinfected my skin again.

“Can you do it again, please,” I pleaded as soon as she had finished the second time.

“Gerard,” Ben said exasperatedly. I didn’t dare look up at him for fear this crafty nurse might plunge that needle in whilst I was distracted.

“There are germs,” I protested stubbornly. “Once more, please?”

Despite my pleading the nurse retightened the tourniquet and picked the dreaded butterfly needle up again. As it moved in slow motion towards my arm I felt something soft touch the side of my face. Frank cupped my face with his free hand and gently turned it to face him.

“Don’t look,” he said gently.

“But…,” I began but Frank simply shook his head and that was enough to shut me up.

A small smile crept across his face as we stared at each other and my heart fluttered a little. I was so intent on gazing at Frank’s face I almost missed the nurse’s quiet warning: “Sharp sting, Gerard.”

I held my breath and squeezed Frank’s hand hard as I felt the cold, hollow tip puncture my skin and slip neatly into the vein. Frank shook his head at me as I began to turn my head to look. “Don’t look,” he ordered, glaring at me jokingly. I swallowed and nodded meekly. A second later I heard a quiet click as the nurse pushed the vial into the adapter attached to the butterfly needle. Instantly I felt my blood begin to flow through the plastic tubing into the vial.

I clutched harder and tighter at Frank’s hand as the ominous sound of my blood spurting into the vial reached my ears. I could feel the blood spurting from my vein into the vial in perfect synchronisation with my rapid heart beat. “Oh God,” I moaned, sickened.

I glanced up at Frank and was surprised to see a small grimace on his face. He smiled reassuringly at me and said, “Gerard? Um….you’re having a blood test, Gerard, not a baby.”

“What?” I gasped, confounded.

“Would you mind not squeezing my hand like you’re in labour? Please?” he said apologetically.

The indignant look on my face must’ve been pretty funny because Frank took one look at it before chuckling. He rarely ever laughed so I decided to treasure the look of pure happiness and joy that was visible on his youthful face. His mouth broadened into a grin wide enough for me to see his entire top row of teeth. I loosened my grip significantly and began to slide my hand out of Frank’s grasp until I was merely pinching his palm with my thumb and forefinger.

“Is that better?” I asked sarcastically, but not in a mean sarcastic way, however. I would never, ever, speak in that manner to Frank.

Frank sighed in an exaggerated fashion. “Yes,” he replied.

“Done. Firm pressure here, Gerard.” I didn’t understand for a moment what was going on and it took a second to register that the nurse was speaking to me. Frank slipped his hand out of my grasp as I turned to look at my arm. The needle was gone and instead the nurse was holding a cotton ball over the puncture site. “Firm pressure,” she repeated and grabbed my now free other hand and guided my fingers to the cotton ball. Once the bleeding stopped she put a small, round plaster over the puncture site.

And that was it. It was over.

What a fucking ordeal.

 

“See, now that wasn’t so bad, was it?” Ben asked slyly, purposely baiting me as we walked away from the infirmary.

I stopped dead in my tracks and glared resentfully at him. “Sometimes, I really hate you,” I said simply and marched off, hoping to God Frank would follow me.

He did, of course. I don’t know why I ever doubted that he would follow me. I would always follow him. I would follow Frank to the end of the world, and now I knew he would do the same for me. It’s a fantastic feeling to have information like that. It warms you deep inside your heart. Every time I go somewhere and Frank elects to come with me, rather than stay watching the movie or doing one of the pathetic art activities, I feel so fucking fantastic I could explode. I’m serious, it’s definitely a feeling everyone should be privileged enough to feel sometime in their life. That’s not to say, however, that I never followed Frank around. If he wanted to go outside or into the rec room, I accompanied him. I would always accompany him. Always. It ain’t no fucking lie. I would follow Frank to the end of the world.

We sat down in the cafeteria opposite one another at my table. I was strangely hungry. Now that my blood test ordeal was over I was permitting myself to think of other things. One of those things I was now thinking about was that it has been over 12 hours since I had eaten. That’s quite a long time, you know. Especially because the meals in this place are strictly regulated. Thankfully though, they were still serving breakfast at the counter on the far wall.

Frank and I stood up again and made our way to the counter. I acknowledged the cafeteria lady and started slathering the cold toast with peanut butter. Frank stood beside me and was doing the same, except he was using the jelly. When I was finished I waited for Frank. He wasn’t paying as much attention to his spreading liked I had. I liked my toast to be completely covered. I liked to have the peanut butter spread all the way to the edges so that when I took a bite, the portion I bit off would always have a satisfactory amount of spread on it.

It was silent between us as we ate. It wasn’t an uncomfortable silence though. It was actually quite relaxing to know that we didn’t have to speak; that words weren’t necessary.

“Wanna swap?” Frank asked eventually holding out a slice of his toast temptingly.

“’Kay,” I replied, accepting his offering and handing over a slice of my own toast.

I screwed up my face in disgust as Frank made a sandwich out my slice of peanut butter covered toast and a slice of his own jelly toast. I was never a big fan of the peanut-butter-and-jelly-sandwich idea. I shook my head slowly. Frank knew exactly what I was disgusted about but he wasn’t fazed. He shrugged and bit into his creation nonchalantly.

Over Frank’s shoulder I saw Ray making his way over to us and I heaved a sigh of irritation. I wondered what he had to say today. Perhaps the sky was about to fall in? Or maybe the grass was about to die? Who fucking cared?

Frank glanced around and made a ‘tsk’ noise at me. “Don’t be so mean,” he said.

I didn’t have a chance to defend myself because Ray sat himself down next to Frank and grinned at us both. He ran his hand through his mass of hair excitedly. “I have big news,” he chattered, barely able to contain himself. “It’s huge, guys. Like, so freaking huge it’s gonna blow your mind!”

I let my head flop forward, not even bothering to act interested. Frank must’ve felt bad about my apparent rudeness because he pretended to be interested himself and asked what the big news was.

I looked up again. Okay, so maybe I was a little interested, but it didn’t mean I had to let Ray know that. I usually get a kick out of Ray’s messages; some of them are quite original and amusing. Ray glanced around conspiratorially and tousled his hair agitatedly. “Not here,” he whispered. “Outside, where they can’t hear us. I’m gonna get up and leave, okay? But don’t follow me just yet. Wait five minutes then meet me outside near Percy.” A second later he propelled himself out of the seat and attempted to walk casually toward the door. I chuckled; Ray was attracting more attention to himself by purposely trying not to.

“Who’s Percy?” Frank asked, mystified.

I realised that Frank must not have heard Bob’s story about the tree stump near the back wall. “Percy is, ah… um… the tree stump,” I said uneasily.

“The tree stump?” he repeated disbelievingly.

“Just…go with it, yeah?”

Frank nodded. He was like me; he didn’t question the insanity of the other people in this hellhole. He just accepted it. That’s all you can do really.

“Has it been five minutes yet?” Frank asked a minute later through a mouthful of toast.

“Nope, it’s been two and a half,” I answered indifferently.

“How’d you know that?” he demanded, looking around for a clock.

“I just know.”

This was another one of those moments where Frank knew not to question me. He could’ve asked how I knew, but he knew better than to question the origin of my knowledge. Hell, even I didn’t know the origin of my knowledge. I just knew, it was as simple as that.

As we made our way outside Frank was trying to guess what Ray was going to tell us. “You put way too much thought into this,” I told him.

Frank shrugged. “It’s fun,” he said. “I like Ray. Don’t you like Ray?”

“Yeah, I like Ray,” I said hastily. Okay, so that was a lie. It wasn’t a full-blown lie; it was more of a little lie, a half-lie. I didn’t exactly hate Ray or dislike him in any way; I just didn’t like him all that much. He was everything I wasn’t: CRAZY.

You see, I’m not crazy like most of the people in this place. I still don’t even know why the hell I’m in here. Apparently I am here for a reason but fucked if I know what that reason is. Though, actually, lately I think I’m starting to figure out what that reason is. I think it’s got something to do with Frank. I think I was put in this place to save Frank. Just like I saved him in those water polo games in my dreams, I think I am supposed to save him in real life.

But I don’t quite know how I am supposed to that yet, either. But I’m sure I’ll figure it out. I always do.

Frank nudged me with his elbow as we stepped outside. “What is he doing?” he asked me.

“Maybe he’s dead,” I answered bitterly but slightly hopeful.

“Gerard,” Frank chided, horrified at my lack of compassion.

Yes I’m a terrible person, okay?! But, I really hated going outside. I feel like I’m wearing a big, red target on my back whenever I stepped outside. Now I don’t mind going outside if Frank wanted to, because like I said, I would follow Frank to the end of the world. Ray, however, was a very different story and he was pushing his luck by demanding we meet him outside.

We made our way over to the back wall and to where Ray was lying eagle-spread on the grass staring up at the sky. When he saw us coming he shielded his eyes from the sun and half-sat up to greet us.

“Act natural,” he told us in a low voice. I thought we were acting very natural and that it was Ray who was acting suspicious. “Lie down,” he said patting the grass on either side of him.

“No,” I said without a second thought. I wasn’t lying down on the grass. I looked to Frank for support and, surprisingly enough, got it.

“I don’t wanna lie down, Ray. Sorry, it’s just all the dirt and…,” Frank trailed off. I watched him rub his hands together nervously before shoving them deep into the pockets of his black hoodie.

Ray looked annoyed at the rejection. He sat up properly and crossed his arms, frustrated. “Will you sit down at least then? You’re drawing attention to us!”

I looked to Frank. I would do whatever Frank wanted to do. Frank screwed up his face a little and I could almost hear the internal battle raging in his head. It made me so sad to see him torn like this. Eventually he sat down opposite Ray, keeping his precious, clean hands tucked safely away in his pockets. I sat down as well, but kept my hands free to pick at the grass.

“Look at the sky,” Ray said earnestly as soon as we were seated.

I craned my head back to look at the sky but saw nothing of consequence. There were quite a few white, fluffy clouds forming bizarre patterns but I could see nothing unusual. I looked back to Ray and raised an eyebrow.

“The clouds!” he exclaimed.

I gazed back up at the clouds, my interest fading rapidly. “What about the clouds,” Frank inquired politely.

Ray made a disapproving noise in the back of this throat and I resisted the urge to stand and leave. “Can’t you see the message?”

No, Ray, obviously we do not see the fucking message, you freaking idiot!

Ray raised his arm and pointed toward a bunch of clouds. “There! Can’t you see the words?”

All I could see was…wait for it… a bunch of clouds!

Frank leant over to me. “Can you see it?” he whispered so Ray couldn’t hear.

“No,” I replied shortly, squinting desperately at the clouds, hoping the words would miraculously form if I stared hard and long enough.

“Okay, good,” I heard Frank murmur.

“You can’t see it?” Ray said again, finally. Frank and I both shook our heads, causing Ray to sigh dejectedly. “Well it’s there,” he insisted. “You’re just not looking hard enough.”

“There’s only so hard you can look at freaking clouds before you determine they’re just clouds,” I snapped.

I expected Ray to be upset with me but he didn’t react very much at all. He sighed again. “Oh well. I guess you just weren’t given the gift. Do you want to know what it said?”

“No!”

“Yes.”

I groaned and pouted at Frank. He didn’t need to keep encouraging Ray like this. It was cruel to indulge in his fantasies. Ray positively beamed at Frank and proceeded to ignored me completely. He leant in closer to Frank and, in a dark undertone, said, “They are coming.”

My stomach dropped. It dropped so far I was sure it had left my body and disappeared into the earth below my feet. It was probably halfway to China right now. “What did you say?” I choked out.

Ray and Frank both turned to look at me, confusion shrouding their faces at my sudden change of character.

“They are coming,” Ray repeated. My mouth went dry and I tried to swallow but with no avail. “Hey man, are you okay?”

They are coming.

They are coming.

They are coming!

I desperately hoped that this was just one of Ray’s hallucinations. It had to be. He always got these kinds of messages. None of them had ever been correct before. So, he couldn’t be accurately predicting the future now. Could he? Maybe I’m overreacting. Yes, okay, I’m overreacting. Yes, it’s not logical. Ray can’t predict the future. No one can predict the future. Only superheroes can predict the future. And superheroes only exist in my comic books. It’s not true. It’s just not true.

Why wasn’t I convincing myself?

I stood up and glanced around anxiously, half expecting to see Them marching toward me with their guns and their masks. But there was no one.

Yet.

Ray and Frank both stood up. Frank walked toward me but Ray toddled away, a blank look on his face. Did he not know the calibre of this situation!?

“Gerard, what’s the matter?” Frank asked cautiously, standing directly in my line of sight.

I backed up toward the fence, my eyes scanning the courtyard with a sense of urgency I hadn’t felt in a very long time. Once my back touched the cold surface I slid down it into a crouch. “Nothing’s the matter,” I said anxiously.

Frank didn’t press the issue and I thanked him in my head. He crouched down next to me and we surveyed the yard together. I don’t think Frank knew what we were looking for, but I didn’t want to tell him. I didn’t want to frighten him.

“How’s your arm?” Frank asked after a long period of silence. It must’ve been a good seven minutes since we’d exchanged any words.

I stopped fretting for a second and focused on my arm. I flexed it gingerly, remembering the nurse’s advice to take it easy for the day. It didn’t hurt. I pushed the sleeve of my hoodie up to reveal the area and peeled the tiny bandage off. All I could see was a tiny, red pinprick of a hole. It was quite pathetic really, considering the suffering and mental trauma I’d endured. Frank peered over at my war wound and nodded approvingly.

“You didn’t bruise,” he informed me. “Lucky.”

Bruise!? There was potential for me to bruise? Why didn’t anyone tell me that? Bastard nurse.

“When they did mine the nurse missed the vein so she had to try again. Then, the second time, the vein collapsed and it caused this huge bruise all under my skin. It was pretty gross.”

Why the hell did Frank think I wanted to know that?!? Hang on, why was Frank having a blood test?

“Why did you have a blood test?” I asked, gently prodding my arm, not looking at Frank.

It took a while for Frank to answer and when he did I realised by the tone of his voice he was embarrassed. “They had to test for AIDS…and STDs, you know?”

“Oh. OH!” I blurted out a moment later, the realisation hitting me like a tonne of bricks. How could I have been so stupid and shallow? Gerard, you freaking heartless bastard! “Oh, Frank, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to….” I was lost for words. I had no idea what to say to that. What could you say to something like that?

“It’s okay,” he said hastily, shrugging my insensitivity off.

But it wasn’t okay. He obviously wasn’t okay. “Frank?” I said sincerely.

“Gerard!” he snapped. “It’s fine, okay? I’m fine, please leave it.”

“Okay.”

“Thank you.”

This time the silence between us was awkward. I hated awkward silences. I racked my brains desperately trying to think of something to talk about, but Frank got in first.

“Is Markman serious about you having this blood test every week?”

Oh you fucking bet she is! The satanic bitch is purposely taking pleasure in inflicting this torture upon me. It’s all part of her diabolical plan to make my life miserable. Of course, I didn’t tell Frank all of this. I think he liked her. So all I said in answer to Frank’s question was: “I think so.”

“That’s pretty mean, doesn’t she know you don’t like needles?”

“Oh, she knows.”

Frank smiled a little at my sarcasm. “Is there any way you can only have the test once a month, or something? Maybe?”

I had thought of that, but it didn’t sound like a good idea. It took less than a week for that agranulocytosis thingy to develop. If I consented to a test only once a month, then knowing my luck, I would develop the condition and die. Goodbye Gerard.

“I don’t want to get that white blood cell condition. I don’t want to die,” I said.

“I don’t want you to die either,” Frank said quietly.

Well, at least there’s one person in this miserable place who likes me. That’s heartening. I glanced up and surveyed the yard again. My eyes widened as I spotted someone standing on the paved area who definitely hadn’t been there before.

“Jasper!” I exclaimed, dropping the blade of grass I had been shredding.

“What?!” Frank yelped, startled by sudden outburst.

I grinned and stood up. “Jasper,” I repeated.

Jasper didn’t smile back at me. He never smiled really. He was a very proper man, you know, being in the army and all. I waved to Jasper and he acknowledged me back with a salute. He was dressed in his official military uniform. The fringes of his green shirt were adorned with gold trimming and he had a gold sash draped over his chest. He had all of his medals pinned proudly to his chest as well and I could see his silver belt buckle gleaming at me. He beckoned to me urgently but I didn’t make my way toward him.

I was with Frank. It would be rude to abandon Frank. I am trying to be a better person. I shook my head and tilted my head toward Frank.

“Gerard? Who are you talking to?” Frank said, standing by my arm.

“Oh, it’s just Jasper,” I replied dismissively. Jasper wasn’t important, he could wait.

“Who?”

“Jasper, he’s over there.” I pointed at Jasper then looked across at Frank. Frank swallowed as he stared toward Jasper but his face remained blank. I didn’t understand how Frank could miss him. He was conspicuous enough in his military dress. “He’s wearing a military uniform. The type of uniform the men wear in the parades.”

Frank swayed a little on the spot as his head swivelled from me to Jasper and back to me.

“What’s the matter?” I asked, concerned.

“It’s just…I don’t — I can’t — he’s not…I don’t see him, Gerard,” Frank stuttered, uncomfortable.

I frowned. Maybe Frank needed to get his eyes checked or something because he was definitely there. “He’s there!” I exclaimed and pointed.

Frank squinted to where I was pointing but no recognition crossed his face. “Gerard,” he said carefully, “there’s no one there.”

I scoffed. Of course there was someone there. “Oh, he’s going inside,” I said, “hang on, I’ll be right back. I’ll just go see what he wants.”

“Gerard,” Frank said weakly, looking scared for some unknown reason.

“Hang on,” I said and jogged toward the door.

I followed Jasper inside and into the supply closet that was situated in the middle of the corridor that connected the east and west wings.

“Lock the door,” he commanded as soon as we were inside.

I was a little disconcerted by Jasper’s manner but I followed his directions. I was about to ask him what the hell was going when he started yelling at me.

“What in God’s name do you think you are doing?!” he shouted, causing me to flinch. “How did you get so careless, Gerard? WHY did you get so careless? I bust my arse everyday out there trying to save you, Gerard! Imagine my surprise and dismay when I turn up and see you chatting away with that punk kid like you have no care in the world!”

“His name is Frank,” I muttered defiantly.

Jasper grabbed me harshly by the shoulder and forced me up against the wall. He was so close I could see the veins littering his older, maturing face. He was bigger than me and much, much stronger. He had never gotten violent with me like this before and it made me realise that something had happened, or was about to happen very soon.

“Did I ask you to tell me his name?” Jasper seethed in my face.

I swallowed, nervously noting his bloodshot eyes. “He’s my friend,” I said.

“NO! Gerard, we’ve been through this before. You can’t have friends! Don’t you realise how fatal it is for you to have friends?”

“I don’t care.”

Jasper let go of my shoulder and stepped back to survey me. He took his cap off and tucked it under his arm. He didn’t say anything; he just shook his head at me like I had done something terrible.

“You’re falling in love with someone who can’t love you back,” he said eventually. He wasn’t yelling anymore. He had gone back to his usual, composed self.

“I’m not in love with him.”

Jasper threw his cap at me in obvious annoyance. I caught it in surprise and held it apprehensively in my hands. I wasn’t quite sure if he wanted it back or not.

“Why did you have to fall in love with the one person you knew you couldn’t have?” Jasper asked.

“I am not in love with him,” I insisted and threw the cap back at Jasper. He didn’t move his hands to catch it so it bounced lightly off his chest and landed upside-down on the dusty floorboards.

Jasper took a step toward me. I took a hesitant step backwards. “He’s a rape victim, Gerard. You know that, you read his file.” He took another step toward me. I took another one away. “He can’t bear to be touched. He suffered extensive psychological damage at the hands of those two men. Nothing you do will be able to repair that. I know you think you can fix him, but you can’t.”

“I can try.”

Jasper stepped forward again, but I was pressed up against the wall and had no where to go. “What about you, Gerard? Who’s going to comfort you? Stop thinking with your cock and start thinking with your brain. You weren’t given this knowledge for it to go to waste, you know?”

I went bright red as Jasper spoke. “I’m not thinking about having sex with Frank,” I said, mortified. It was true. It had never once crossed my mind.

“But you will. One day. And hell, maybe Frank might even be up to trying it one day! But who’s going to be there to comfort you, Gerard, when Frank bursts into tears halfway through? Who’s going to pick up the pieces of your heart when you realise that the love of your life looks at you and sees only those two men? Who’s going to wipe your tears when you realise that you and Frank can never be intimate together. You’ll never be able to be close. You’ll never be able to meld into one person, Gerard!”

I didn’t care. Everything Jasper was saying was just making me realise how much I was falling in love with Frank.

“You’re not listening to me, are you?” Jasper said finally. He must’ve noticed the dazed look on my face.

“No.”

“Don’t be smart with me, boy,” he scolded.

“I was telling the truth.”

“You were being smart about it.”

“Shut up.”

Jasper’s eyes nearly popped out of his head, but I didn’t care. I wanted to get out of this tiny, stuffy supply closet and find Frank.

“I don’t want to bring this up, Gerard,” Jasper said. “But don’t you remember the last time?”

I shook my head slowly. What last time?

“Gerard, you know what I mean.”

But, I didn’t. I couldn’t think of what he meant. Last time what?

“You can’t let people get in close, Gerard. It’s what They want. It gives them an advantage. Don’t you think they’d go after the one person you’re emotionally attached to? What are you going to do then?”

“I’ll protect Frank,” I said automatically.

Jasper was looking uneasy now. “That’s what you said last time,” he whispered.

“What happened last time? I don’t remember. Tell me. Tell me!” I demanded.

Our conversation was interrupted by an obnoxious banging at the door. I spun around fearfully. “Open this door now, Gerard!” I heard Zach yell.

“Jasper,” I cried. “Tell me what happened last time.”

“You tried to protect him, but you failed. You can’t win against Them. Frank is just going to get hurt like the other boy. Cut him loose. It’s for his own good. You know what happened last time.” Jasper had picked up his hat and was casually spinning it on his right hand.

“No, I don’t remember! What other boy?”

“You know his name. You tried to save him. Don’t you remember, Gerard? You tried to save him, but you failed. Don’t fail this time.”

I was going out of my mind. I didn’t know what he was talking about. I didn’t remember. I knew that I knew, I just simply couldn’t remember. I brought my clasped hands up to my face and pressed my lips to my thumbs to try to keep them from shaking.

“Think! Gerard! Stop panicking and use you brain. The information is in there, you just need to find it. You….” Jasper shut up abruptly and stopped spinning the cap in his hands. He slowly raised his head to look at the ceiling and I found myself mimicking him.

I suddenly realised that Zach was no longer banging on the door. In fact, I only remember him banging just the once. What happened to him? Oh, good lord.

Jasper was scared. I could see it on his face. I was terrified now. It was a struggle to continue to draw in each breath and my hands were trembling. Something bad was going on outside, I could sense it. Jasper slowly put the cap back on his head and turned to me. “You need to get out of here,” he whispered. “Now!”

The sound of gunshots reached my ears and my whole body seized. They weren’t coming anymore. They were here.

“RUN, GERARD!” Jasper screamed and propelled me toward the door.

My fingers were numb and they fumbled uselessly on the lock. Every precious second that flittered by as my fingers struggled to undo the lock saw an increase in my fear and desperation. It seemed almost an eternity before I heard the click and was able to push down on the handle. The corridor outside was deserted. The lights that hung overhead flickered ominously. I felt like I was in a bad horror movie. I felt like I was the lead character being stalked by the monster that could see me but I couldn’t see them. I was shaking so bad now that when I exhaled my breath came out in shuddery gasps. I knew I couldn’t stay where I was so, despite being stricken with terror, I took a tiny step in the direction of the west wing. When nothing leapt out at me I began to run. I didn’t know where I was running. I just knew I had to get out.

I rounded the corner at a tremendous pace, my shoes skidding dangerously on the polished linoleum. I don’t think I have ever run this fast before in my life. I glanced up for a moment to reorient myself when I saw Them. They were standing at the end of the corridor, at the entrance to the showers, looking at me. Waiting for me. My eyes widened and the nausea swept over me violently like a rogue wave. I think I stopped breathing. My brain wasn’t getting any oxygen and neither were my muscles. I needed to run, but I couldn’t.

There were five of Them. They were all lined up in row, shoulder to shoulder. They were dressed in pure black clothing from head to toe. Their faces were hidden behind black masks. On their chests I could see the bulky outline of a bullet-proof vest and in their left hand they all clutched a gun. It wasn’t your standard type of gun though; these guns weren’t loaded with bullets. No, no, no. Their intention was to take me alive.

I would never let them take me alive.

That one thought ran over and over through my brain and like an electric shock it provoked me into moving. I turned my back on Them and ran harder and faster than before away from them. I would never let them get me. The secrets belonged in my brain. They would never get them.

I took a hard right into the cafeteria. It was deserted also. Where was everyone? Why wasn’t anyone coming to help me? Had they been killed? Was Frank dead because of me? I refused to think any more of the possibility. I was making my way through the middle of the room when something hit me hard in the shoulder. I tripped and fell face-first into one of the metal tables. I groaned and rolled over onto my back, my head throbbing painfully from where it had connected violently with the furniture. I could feel myself lingering on the edge of unconsciousness and fought desperately to stay awake. I needed to keep running. I needed to get away.

A masked figure loomed in my face and I screamed. Instinctively I threw my clenched fist at his face and connected with the moulded plastic that was hiding his features. He grunted and sat back, allowing me to roll over and struggle to my feet. Just as I found my footing two more faceless people grabbed my arms and pinned me against the wall.

I was frightened. I was terrified. I was so afraid that I wanted to die.

The only thought I was managing to process was: I want to die.

This debilitating fear was the kind that no one should ever be forced to endure.

They were surrounding me now. There were also a lot more than five right now. I couldn’t count them, my brain simply wouldn’t, but I could recognise that there were too many of them for me to escape. It was over. The world was going to end.

One of Them stepped forward from the faceless group and stood in front of me.

“Found you,” he taunted.

As I stood there wishing I could at least close my eyes I saw his gloved hand drift slowly towards his pocket. He pulled out a scalpel and waved it tormentingly in front of my face. He held the scalpel in his right hand and began to move it toward my head. His left hand pushed my hair off my forehead.

“Let’s see what we can find in here, yes?” he said throatily and pressed the horrifically sharp blade to my skin.

I didn’t feel any pain as he sliced into my skin. The adrenaline pumping through my body was enough to dull everything.

But, this was it. He was going to get the secrets in my brain. It was all over.

I was surprised when he stopped suddenly and dropped the scalpel. The two other people holding me by the arms suddenly relinquished their grips as well leaving me to slump to the ground. They all suddenly took a step backwards. I didn’t understand what was going on. Had they gotten what they wanted? Was I dead?

“Gerard. It’s okay. You’re frightened. It’s okay to be frightened. Tell me why you’re afraid?”

“Make them go away,” I sobbed. “I just want them to go away.”

“I’m trying,” Markman said calmly. “I’m going to administer a sedative, Gerard. Do you understand me?”

I looked past Markman at Them. They were still standing in the room. There were hundreds of them. They were standing motionless in their perfect rows staring at me from behind their featureless masks. Watching me.

Markman injected the sedative into my leg and I could feel it slowly begin to take effect. In fact, I could almost hear it singing as it flooded through my veins. I felt my eyes drift shut and allowed the drugs to sing me to sleep.