Chapter 5: We can’t all be heroes; somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by

“Back! Pass it back! I’m back if you need me! Shoot! Aim for the corner! Go, go, go! The corner, Gerard! Nice try! Stay in sit, Gerard!”

I coughed violently as a wave of water swamped me. I sculled the water madly with my hands, struggling to keep my head above the fluctuating waves. The ball sailed over my head and landed in front of a player from the opposition. He swept it in between his arms and began to swim with his head above the water. The smooth and highly defined muscles in his shoulders and back flexed as his powerful arms sliced easily through the water. My legs moved in a lazy egg-beater kick as I watched the ball get passed around down the other end of the pool and cheered as our goal-keeper deflected the ball. I got ready to move as our captain scooped the ball up in his hand and propelled it with amazing force toward me. I raised my hand to catch it, confident in my ability.

It was coming directly for me. Then the next thing I knew I was underwater, a powerful hand pushing down on my left shoulder. I fought against it, but my opponent held firm. It didn’t look like he was going to let me go. I kicked out at his crotch and got the result I so desperately needed. As my head broke the surface I saw the game had moved back to the other end of the pool. Nobody was watching me. Nobody seemed to be concerned that I had almost drowned. My opponent was several metres away, holding his crotch and struggling to stay afloat.

I spun around wildly, my head spinning from lack of oxygen. That’s when I saw the others. There were two boys, both about the same age. They were both wearing blue caps, like me. We were on the same team but I didn’t recognise them. They saw me looking and they both cried out to me. Two huge men twice their size appeared behind them and pulled them under. Their cries were abruptly cut off as they disappeared under the surface. I kicked out, intent on saving them but fell victim to the same fate. I swallowed a mouthful of water as I went under and couldn’t gasp for any air. My white-capped opponent held onto my own cap tightly, clenching it in his fist. I fumbled with the knot under my chin and undid it hastily. I swam down and away from the evil white cap, toward the two boys who were kicking and thrashing wildly. The boy on the right saw me undo my cap and mimicked me, escaping the clutches of his attacker. I realised who he was then.

It was Frank.

The cap had hidden his hair and made him almost unrecognisable. We both swam toward each other. My lungs were bursting for air but I couldn’t bring myself to leave either of them. The other boy managed to get his cap off but his attacker held him under the water by the neck. I didn’t know who the other boy was.
Frank swam toward me and I grabbed him, pulling him toward me with all the force I could muster. We broke the surface together, gasping desperately for air. I whipped my body around in the water searching for the other kid. He hadn’t broken the surface with us. Terrified for him I went underwater again seeking him. His fingers scrabbled weakly at the wrist of his attacker but with no avail. He saw me and with every ounce of strength he screamed: “GERARD!”

***

 

“Are you okay?”

I clutched my chest as it moved up and down rapidly, sucking in precious air. I was panting as though I had swum a mile non-stop and without taking enough breaths. I pushed wet hair out of my face. My hair and clothes were soaked with sweat. I blinked several times, realising I wasn’t in the pool in the middle of a vicious water polo game. I was in my bed waking up from a nightmare.

There were two things wrong with that. For one, I do not have nightmares. I have never had a nightmare. I don’t even dream at night. I know that sounds weird but I am weird like that. I don’t dream – and I most certainly do not have nightmares.
The second thing was the water polo. I don’t know how to play water polo. I have never played water polo in my life. I don’t think I have ever watched a game on television. How on earth did I know how to play? Oh and who the fuck plays water polo anyway?

“Are you okay?” Frank repeated anxiously.

I sat up and realised why my body ached so much. I wasn’t in my bed; I was on the floor between my bed and Frank’s bed.

I nodded and slowly got to my feet, stretching my sore muscles tenderly. I heard my back crick and moaned. Note to self: do not sleep on the floor.

Frank watched me for a while then he nodded and left the room. He turned right. He was going to take a shower. I knew he was.

I sat on the edge of my bed and pondered over this dream. I recognised Frank, but did not know who the second boy was at all. It wasn’t that I knew his face but couldn’t place his name. It was as though he was a complete stranger and I’d never seen his before in my life ever. But that couldn’t be right. I know how dreams work. A dream is, put simply, your subconscious running back over itself. Some scientists try and tell us that a dream is your brain’s way of discarding useless memories but I know that is not how memories work. You cannot not just discard a memory or throw it out like a piece of trash. Sure, you can lose them or misplace them and even store them. But you cannot discard them. That’s just foolish. Don’t these scientists realise that? Once you make a memory it is in your head for good. If you ever want to get rid of it you need to lose it and lose it well to ensure you never stumble back across it. Gosh, these amateurs have no idea!

But that also means it is illogical for me to have a dream about a boy I’d never met and a game I’d never played.

It didn’t make sense. It just didn’t make sense. It did not make sense! Why didn’t any of this make any sense? I think something is wrong with me.

***

 

“Back! Pass it back! I’m back if you need me! Shoot! Aim for the corner! Go, go, go! The corner, Gerard! Nice try! Stay in sit, Gerard!”

The wave of chlorinated water splashed my face, filling my nose and mouth. I coughed and spluttered, rubbing my irritated eyes. I was treading the water vigorously and blinking non-stop. I rubbed my eyes and blinked blearily. My vision was cloudy but I could see well enough. I could just see my defender from the other team swimming toward me like he had a definite goal in his head. I bet anyone $100 that goal was to prevent me from getting the ball. I turned my head into the water and swam a few strokes to gain some distance between us. When I felt him brush against my foot I spun over and began backstroke so I could keep an eye on him. He took a hold of my leg and dragged me back towards him. I lashed out but it did nothing. He clamped a heavy hand on my shoulder and sent me under. Straight away I saw the two boys. The one on the right was Frank. I recognised him but the second boy was a mystery. I sunk my teeth into my defender’s hand and swam away from him. Frank managed to get free by himself and he turned to help the other boy. I joined them but no matter what we did we could not get the other boy free from his attacker.

My lungs were bursting and I couldn’t stay under any longer. I swam up for air but when I dived back down again the boy was still being held fast. Frank had disappeared. I searched for him anxiously and saw him. He had drowned. I turned back to the other kid. A few seconds ago he had been kicking feebly but now he was motionless. They had both drowned. I couldn’t save either of them.

***

 

This wasn’t right. The dream was the same but then it became very different. In this dream they both drowned. In my first dream I had saved Frank and the other kid had not drowned. I decided to talk to Frank. I wasn’t going to tell him what happened in the dream. But I felt I needed to tell someone about the fact I was having these dreams.

“What do you mean you don’t dream? Everybody dreams,” Frank said.

“I don’t!” I said, exasperated.

“Well, apparently, you do.”

I raised an eyebrow at him and he shrugged, a coy smile playing about on his lips. “Fine.” I admitted defeat and walked from our room, grumpy.

I wandered into the cafeteria completely aware that it was early and that I never arrive to breakfast this early. But that stupid dream woke me up and I could not go back to sleep. The cafeteria was empty. Clearly no one else got up this early either. I glanced to the side. They weren’t even serving breakfast yet. The roller doors over the counter were still closed and locked.

“Jeez it’s a tad early for you, Gerard, isn’t it?” Ben laughed as he passed me. He sat down at the closest table and spread the morning paper out. I could smell his coffee from here.

Fuck, I need coffee. I needed that coffee.

I casually walked over to Ben and sat down at his table. He looked up at me surprised. Yes, it was out of the ordinary for me to sit at someone else’s table but.......uh, it was coffee, you know.

He looked where I was staring and chuckled. He wrapped his hand around the cup tighter and pulled it in toward his chest. “You can’t have it. Get over it,” he said bluntly.

“Please,” I begged.

Ben started in shock. I guess he had every right to. I haven’t really actually spoken to him directly, ever.

“Uh, no! It has caffeine in it.”

Oh, does it? No way? That’s not the reason why I wanted the damn thing in the first place.

"No, you can’t have caffeine, Gerard. You know that.”

Thank you so much for informing me, Ben! You know what job you would do splendidly in? You could be one of those people who you ring up to ask information. You ask them all sorts of questions. You ask them what the exact time it is, or what to do if the condom breaks, or why your lemon meringue pie doesn’t look like the one Jamie Oliver made on TV. They are just soooo informative. Ben would fit right in.

After breakfast, it was decided that instead of our usual ‘quiet’ time we would have ‘outside’ time. Oh yay! ‘Outside’ time! Just what I’ve wanted to do for so long. Yeah, I’m so looking forward to going outside and running around. You know what? I may as well ring them up and tell them where I am and what room I’m staying in so they can come and get me. I can’t go outside. That’s like advertising myself to them. I am not that stupid.

“Come play, Gerard!” Ray exclaimed, his face flushed. It was still fairly chilly outside so everyone was still wearing coats. His coat was sitting unevenly off his shoulder. Arghh, I just wanted to fix it.

I shook my head and folded my arms. I was staying in my seat. I was touched though that Ray made a special trip inside away from his football game to invite me out. I looked for Frank. He was brave enough to venture outside. I shook my head. Didn’t he know how many germs are airborne? Ray ran back outside.

“You are such a wet blanket.”

Thank you for noticing. I nodded, agreeing with Ben.

“For the first time in months the weather’s been great and the temperatures just perfect and you want to stay inside and sulk?” Ben said slyly.

Normally I would take the bait and make some sort of insulting sign at him but today I couldn’t be bothered. I was tired and worried about these dreams. I stared out the window at Frank as he wandered around aimlessly and avoided Ray’s wild game of touch football. Well, it was touch football to all the players except Ray. He just crash tackled Zach into the grass. I laughed to myself as Ray was ordered into timeout for five minutes.

“Why don’t you go have your shower now?” Ben suggested. “These guys are going to want showers when they finish and you’ll have to fight to keep them out.”

That was actually a very good idea. Why didn’t I think of it?

I nodded sleepily. Maybe a cold shower would wake me up. Since I couldn’t have coffee, cold water will have to suffice. Ben walked me to the shower block and unlocked the door. Normally he was supposed to stay with me but no one bothered watching me anymore. Like I said – I’m not going to kill myself. I am still working on the whole meaning of life thing.

I poured the shampoo into my palm and lathered it onto my wet hair. I pulled my hands away and saw several strands of long black hair entwined around my fingers. Great, now I’m moulting. My week just keeps getting better and better.

The shower door swung open just as I was lamenting over my hair and I glanced up, surprised. Ben couldn’t be back. No, everyone leaves me alone whilst I’m in the shower.

Frank burst into the shower and by the looks of it he was a man on a mission. He was walking with his hands out, palms facing up. He stopped for a moment and desperately shook his hands. The way he was acting I gathered he had gotten something on his hands to make them dirty. He stripped his shirt off and was about to lose the pants when he looked around and saw me.

His mouth fell open in horror. My mouth fell open in disbelief. Oh my god, Frank has a beautiful body. He instantly moved to cover his torso but couldn’t bring himself to let his dirty hands come into contact with his skin. He was staring at me (I was naked, remember?) like a deer caught in headlights. I stared right back at him and couldn’t help but notice his eyes drop down. He was so checking me out. I was taken aback. I turned away from him, bemused but not embarrassed. My hair still needed to be rinsed and conditioned; I wasn’t going anywhere. He looked away too, his face burning red. I could see him out of the corner of my eye and was intensely interested to see what he would do. He proceeded to look from his dirty hands, to me and back again. I thought he would walk out. Surely he wouldn’t want to be naked around another man after what happened to him?

I shut my eyes to ensure no suds stung them and rinsed my hair. I chickened out and used hot water. Cold water was too much for me to bear in this weather. Once I opened my eyes I was floored to see Frank two showers away washing himself fervently. I stared at him. I know it was wrong. But he was so beautiful. All of him. How could anyone ever hurt something so beautiful? I bet his rapists ripped the wings of butterflies when they were kids. Now I knew what he looked like. My eyes ran over his body eagerly taking in the sight. I memorised every contour and every ripple in his small body instantly. It was wrong and I was exploiting him but I couldn’t tear myself away. He was so beautiful.

“Don’t look at me!” Frank commanded and I had no choice but to obey.

I took one last look before switching off my own shower, grabbing a towel and disappearing around the corner into the dressing room.

Woe is me. He was such a beautiful disaster.

 

After our little shower incident, Frank proceeded to ignore me for the next week. He was polite and spoke to me whenever necessary (which wasn’t often) but stopped sitting at my table and not even looking at me when we went to bed at night. Every time we made eye contact (which was often) he would go bright red and cause me to then blush. I think what was happening was he would glance at me but look away when I glanced at him and vice versa. But we were both pretty slow and I don’t think either of us really wanted to look away so we kept making eye contact.

Over that week I was stressed more than I had ever been. Every single night I had the same dream but it always played out different. The first night they both drowned again, and I did as well. The second night Frank drowned and I drowned. The third night I saved Frank but couldn’t save myself. The fourth night I saved myself and Frank. The fifth night I saved myself and Frank again but the other kid drowned.
The only thing that seemed consistent with these dreams is that no matter what I did I could not save the second kid. I tried every possible method but the dream always ended in him drowning or screaming desperately for me to help him.

 

***

 

Frank clung to me desperately. “Please help him,” he screamed in my ear as I struggled to keep us both afloat. I nodded. I would save him today. Frank let go of my back and I dived under and swam strongly toward this poor kid. I was angry and placed my foot against his attacker’s chest. I kicked him away with all the strength I could muster. My heel on his breastbone caused him to crumble in and relinquish his grip. I grabbed the kid willingly and swum to the surface with him. I pulled his head above water and dragged him to the side of the pool. As I reached the side of the pool I heard a woman scream. The kid was dragged from my arms by a man above me. I tried to hold on but was no match.

“Oh my god! Michael!” The woman I heard scream clutched the kid’s body to her chest and began weeping.

Wait? The kid was dead? No! I saved him!!! He’s alive.

“Michael! Michael, baby, wake up! It’s mama. Wake up Michael! Please baby, wake up. Open your eyes! What did you do to him?”

The last question was directed at me. I didn’t do anything. I saved him. He was safe now!

“How could you, Gerard? How could you?” The woman’s frantic voice was broken with chokes and sobs.

How could I what? What are you talking about? I saved him. I saved him!

***

 

"Oh my god! Gerard? Are you okay?” Frank leapt from his bed as I rolled off my own and landed with a bone shattering crash on the floor.

I sat up, looking around feverishly. I had saved him. I had! He was alive. What was that woman talking about? How could I what? I didn’t do anything.

“Dreams again?” Frank asked anxiously. He was crouched beside me and looking extremely concerned.

“I need to talk to Markman,” I gasped.

“You can’t. She’s not seeing anyone today. She has some sort of really important meeting.”

I slowly recovered by breath but my mind was reeling from the outcome of my latest dream. I was scared now. That lady was blaming me for something I didn’t do. Who was that lady? And who the hell is Michael?

For the first time all week Frank and I walked to breakfast together. He walked with me to the cafeteria before he turned and walked back toward the showers. It was nice that he cared a little about me to make sure I got to a place where there were other people. I sat down at my table which was still vacant. Everyone knew not to sit there.

Why couldn’t I save that kid? Maybe if I...no. That wouldn’t work. Perhaps if we swam toward the end with the markers, or towards the shallow end? No, no, no! Shit, this is hopeless. How am I supposed to save him?

“Requesting permission to sit.” I glanced up to see Ray beaming at me. Strangely though, I didn’t feel my usual feelings of resentment well up. In fact Ray’s attempt to mimic a pilot communicating with air traffic control didn’t exasperate me like it should.

What is wrong with me?

I made eye-contact with Ray again, something I definitely don’t do all that often, and nodded. His grin got wider, if that was possible and he sat down. Before he could speak I leapt in. “What do you do if you’re trying to save someone but no matter what you do and no matter how hard you try you cannot save them?”

Ray pursed his lips and looked like he was deep in thought. I watched him anxiously. When he didn’t reply I felt that familiar annoyance creep back. Jesus Christ! I knew this would happen. 100 dollars says Ray thinks this is a brainteaser. In his stupid little brain he’s probably trying to determine if it was a trick question or not. Better yet he was probably counting how many ‘h’s’ or ‘f’s’ there were in the sentence. I was about to dismiss the question from the conversation when he sat forward.

“Don’t worry about it, Ray. It was a stupid –.”

“Maybe the reason you can’t save him is because he’s not supposed to be saved,” Ray said, speaking softly and weighing his words carefully.

I frowned. That didn’t fit. Of course I was supposed to save him. Jeez, Ray. I shook my head.

“No!” Ray’s voice grew in confidence. “Think about it! You said that no matter how hard you try and no matter what you do you can never save him, right? Well it sounds like he’s not meant to saved.”

For the first time ever I found myself biting my tongue as Ray spoke. I actually wanted to hear what he had to say. Far out, there is definitely something wrong with me.

“You think?” I asked, no longer as doubtful.

“Well you know in Super Mario brothers four when you get to level 10, the fire palace? And you think you have to save Peach, the princess, but no matter how hard you try you can never get to her?”

My heart sank.

“And you waste hours trying to defeat Bowser and the guards but whenever you get close a booby trap appears and you die? You keep trying but then you realise it’s not her you have to save but Yoshi! He’s the green dinosaur,” Ray provided helpfully. I just nodded blankly wondering if this was going anywhere. “Once you save Yoshi he runs ahead and disables the booby traps and rescues Peach for you!”

Ray finished and looked at me expectantly. I was still blank. Who the fuck was this Yoshi? A green dinosaur? Huh?!?

“I don’t geddit,” I muttered.

Ray tutted loudly. “What I’m saying is like a metaphor to your situation.”

Oh, wow! Why did you just say so? It all makes so much sense now. Thanks, Ray.

“Ok, now, let’s pretend you’re Mario,” Ray said.
I nodded.

“Oh! Unless you want to be Luigi??” Ray asked suddenly.

I gave a short laugh. Luigi? Like the chef off the Simpsons? Ha-ha! Oh, shit. Ray’s not laughing. That wasn’t a joke. Shit, um, Gerard you idiot! Quick, pick someone! Choose! Mario or Luigi?

“Mario!” I said hastily.

“Ok, Mario it is. Peach is the boy you’re trying to save. No matter what you do you can’t save him, or rather her.” Ray laughed at his own lame joke. “Now is the important part – Yoshi. Is there anyone else in the situation who could possibly double as Yoshi?”

FRANK! Fuck, even when Ray sounds his craziest he makes the most sense. Maybe I was supposed to concentrate on saving Frank because Frank was the person who was supposed to save this Michael kid.... No, what the fuck. That doesn’t fit. This whole thing doesn’t make any sense. The Mario Brothers?? What am I thinking? Ray’s idiocy has seeped into me.

I really need to talk to Markman. She’ll know the answer. She knows all the answers to my questions. Well, not all of them. Most of them. Some of them.
Ray seemed satisfied with his metaphor and I didn’t have the heart to tell him how absurd it really was.

“Gerard, now let’s talk about why I’m really here,” Ray said very seriously.
I blinked at him. Oh yeah, he did sit down with the intention of discussing something that was not Mario Brothers.

Ray leant across the table. He indicated for me to do the same. I leant forward, cautious not to let our hair touch. I could not let my hair get contaminated.

“Are you breaking out?” Ray whispered, focusing on me intently.

WHAT? I’m breaking out? Cool.

“You can tell me. Are you planning to escape from here?” Ray’s eyes were bright with excitement and anticipation.

I shook my head and saw his face fall like a pebble in water. See, I can use metaphors too! Or, was that a simile?

“Oh? But you are leaving?”

Nope. I shook my head.

“Transferring?”

Hell no! I rule this place. Commence violent shake of head.

“Being discharged?”

Haha, no way José. Sorry Ray. I shook my head.

“Oh dear,” Ray said very dejectedly.

“Why do you ask?” I asked. Maybe someone was talking about me behind my back.

“Well I kinda got this message this morning....” He trailed off.

Oh please. I stood up. I needed to get away from this maniac.

“But my cereal is usually accurate,” Ray mumbled.

I had to jam my fist into my mouth to keep from bursting into a fit of laughter. Well, not literally. I do not possess that talent. Bob does though. He showed me. It’s quite off-putting actually. I scurried off and hid in an alcove. Once I got the laughter out of my system I was on my way again.

Ben stopped me before I got too far. “It’s rec time,” he told me.

Oh, really? I had no clue. I’ve only been here for 30 months! I think I know the damn schedule by now. See he would really be suited as one of those informing people you ring up on the telephone.

“Bathroom,” I muttered.

“Is that way,” Ben informed me and steered me away from where I wanted to go. I walked away until I was out of his eyesight and sat down waiting for him to move. Why did he have to be on duty now anyway?

It didn’t take long for him to leave his post. He got a call from Zach to help calm down some crazy girl. I hurried forward toward the glass door that separated where we were allowed to go and where we weren’t allowed to go. My fingers trembled slightly as I entered the security code. 64593. The little light that was originally red suddenly turned green and I heard a quiet clicking noise. It was unlocked. I pulled it open and slipped inside. As I walked along looking for Markman I found myself grinning. I knew the code for the door was correct. I know things, remember? There are no flukes when Gerard is on the case.

I headed straight for the conference room. I heard voices straight away and knew I was at the right place. There was a pretty heated debate going on in there. I felt a little anxious about walking into a room full of strange people. This was a place I wasn’t going to be in control off. I forced my hand to turn the handle and push the door open.

Most of the voices hushed immediately. A group in the middle continued to argue fruitlessly and did not notice my presence. Markman was amongst that group. They slowly realised that something had changed and they all shut up and looked around. Markman turned and her eyes almost bugged out of her head when she saw me.

“Gerard?!” she exclaimed, dropping the folder she had been shoving into another man’s face a moment earlier. “What are you doing here?”

“I keep having dreams,” I told her, ignoring the staring eyes.

“You can’t be here. How on earth did you get past the door?” She rushed over to me, becoming slightly panicky.

I brushed her questions aside. That wasn’t important. “I’ve been having dreams,” I repeated.

“Everybody has dreams,” she hissed. She grabbed my arm and roughly pulled me away from all her colleagues. “Who did you kill to get in here?” she demanded.

I was shocked. She wasn’t serious? She is serious. Jeez, way to crush a man down. “I didn’t kill anyone,” I said, appalled. “But in these dreams there’s this kid but no matter how hard I try I can’t save him.”

“Jillian, is that a patient?!” The voice was extremely angry. “I’m calling security.”

“No!” I exclaimed and tore myself away from Markman’s grip. Why wouldn’t she listen? “I try and I try to save him but he always drowns. Do you think I’m not supposed to save him or something?”

“How did a patient get in here?”

I kept talking. Screw everyone else. I needed answers. “Then last night I managed to save him but I sorta didn’t because apparently he died anyway. But he didn’t die, you know?”

“Is this how you run your facility, Jillian? You let patients run amuck?!”

I continued. “Do you know what I should do? Am I even supposed to save him? According to that lady I did something to him. But I don’t think I did.”

“Get him out of here!”

“GERARD!” Markman screamed at me. I shut up and looked at her expectantly.

The room erupted. “That’s Gerard?”

“He’s so much younger than I thought he would be.”

“I thought he doesn’t speak.”

“You’re the Gerard?”

“They don’t look anything alike.”

I pleaded silently with Markman but she was beyond my reach now. She was steadily going red and I was certain these witnesses were the only reason I was still alive. I probably just ruined her. Now I bet she’ll take away all my benefits. Shit, I like getting my own way.

Two guards arrived at the door. The closest one grabbed at me but I darted away. I leapt up onto the conference table just to get away from them.

“Gerard, please get down,” Markman begged.

“Listen to me then!”

“They’re just dreams!” she screamed back.

The two guards made the unwise decision to come up onto the table after me. Stationary went everywhere. The ladies screamed and everyone scrambled to get away from the table. The room was in turmoil as I ran around everywhere escaping the guards. They weren’t bad, but they definitely shouldn’t have followed me up onto this table. I jumped off the end and ran for the door. The second one read my moves and managed to grab my left wrist as I ran past. I reacted instinctively by twisting by upper body and trying to use my weight to pull my wrist from his grasp. Then I thought it would be a marvellous idea to throw my right wrist through the stained glass window in the door.

The noise was what scared me the most. I didn’t realise stained glass windows smashed so loudly. Coloured shards of glass flew everywhere and were soon accompanied by droplets of blood. My blood! Lots of it.

The room suddenly froze and went silent. I clutched my wrist. Oh shit it hurts. Pain, lots and lots of fiery pain. Oh my god there is a huge shard of glass sticking out of my knuckles! Oh my god. Markman ran up to me and very sensibly wrapped a tea towel around my hand and wrist. It stuck up in a lot of places where I had pieces of glass embedded in my hand. Her hand was shaking as she wrapped it. It took all my self-control and pride not to scream out every time she nudged a shard of glass.

If there is a God, he would make me faint right now.

“Just dreams, Gerard,” she repeated, her voice quavering.

I felt tears of pain well up in my eyes and I fought them back fiercely. I do not cry. Crying is weakness.

“But if they’re just dreams then who is Michael? What did I do to him?” I said desperately my voice breaking.

Markman dropped my wrist like it had burnt her. Then she stepped away from me like I had just threatened her. She clasped her hand to her mouth and stared at me like she had never done before. The room simply erupted after that. I hazily saw her drop into a chair. Oh jeez, now God catches up with me. I’ll forgive him for being a whole minute late because I am a very forgiving guy, you know? Oh dear, I do hope someone catches me. It’s really not as clichéd as it seems.